Love & laughter
Comedian Yakov Smirnoff is giving relationship advice.
Sony Hocklander
News-Leader
Yakov Smirnoff uses heart magnets in his seminar, Living Happily Ever Laughter! The class, which will be offered at Missouri State University from Aug. 7-11, teaches students the importance of laughter in a relationship. Smirnoff holds a master's degree in popular psychology.
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Ryan and Tricia Rost stop for a meal at Arby's.
Tricia orders a kid's meal, which comes with a little trivia game. She loves playing games and Ryan humors her. So they start quizzing each other with questions, laughing over the answers.
Married 8 1/2 years, the Rosts still enjoy each other's company -- with or without other couples around. Even while doing something as simple as dining on fast food.
Laughter is a particularly important part of their marriage, they say.
"We can totally have fun by ourselves," says Tricia, the production coordinator for a local television station. "If you can't make each other laugh, that would be miserable."
Yakov Smirnoff couldn't agree more. The comedian based in Branson has launched a new career. Or rather, an addition to his career as a performer. Call him Professor Smirnoff. Armed with a master's degree in popular psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, Smirnoff has become something of a relationship guru.
His message?
Scott Axon and Michele Granger, who are engaged, say laughter is important to them.
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"When the needs of one person are being met by the other, there is laughter," he says.
But what happens when the laughter dies?
That's the focus of Living Happily Ever Laughter!, a class he's teaching from Aug. 7 to 11 at Missouri State University. The psychology class is open to MSU students and members of the community.
"If love is the treasure, laughter is the key. And what I want to give you is the map on how to get there," he says.
The Rosts saw Smirnoff in action when both attended a relationship seminar he conducted. It seemed strange at first, says Ryan.
"I'm going to a marriage seminar? With Yakov Smirnoff?"
He actually was a very good speaker, says Tricia: "Everything he said was true."
His message made sense: That when fun and laughter stops, couples should heed the warning.
Danger signs
Years ago, miners took canaries into coal mines to signal danger.
"They took a canary in the cage, and the canary is chirping and everything is fine. When the canary stops singing, they knew they needed to do something," says Smirnoff.
Ryan and Tricia Rost say without fun and laughter, they'd be miserable.
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Laughter is like that canary, he says. Its loss signals there's something wrong in a relationship.
"You can measure passion by laughter," he says. "They go hand in hand."
It helps to know what creates laughter. And a lot of people don't, says Smirnoff. Most think it's about having a sense of humor.
"But they overlook the two most important ingredients. That someone creates laughter and someone appreciates it."
He should know.
Tension rose in Smirnoff's own marriage and laughter disappeared. Even counseling couldn't save it. Smirnoff sought answers. It eventually led him to obtain his master's degree.
There is a 57 percent divorce rate now, says Smirnoff. Among people who married after 1990, it's 67 percent. And there are a 120 million single Americans right now.
"These are people who are trying to meet somebody or who met somebody and they can't stick with it. And they are trying to understand why," he says.
Smirnoff has conducted surveys and polled more than 3 million members of his audience.
"I ask, 'How many of you, when you fell in love, experienced a lot of laughter?' And there's a big applause. Then I say, 'Any of you have a great love affair or great love relationship that didn't have any laughter in it?' And no one applauds. And it's universal.
"So to me, after 3 million people are saying the same thing, maybe laughter needs to be a gauge on how full your love tank is."
Self-awareness
Yakov Smirnoff says in most healthy relationships one partner is "the performer," and the other serves as the audience.
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In the most healthy relationships, says Smirnoff, one partner tends to be what he calls "the performer." The other serves as the audience, or recipient. Though everyone is a little of both, most prefer one over the other.
To ensure a lasting relationship before starting one, identify your preference, he says. Two "performers" won't work as well as having one partner who likes to create laughter, paired with someone who likes to laugh.
Michele Granger, head of the applied consumer sciences department at MSU, is clearly the performer in her relationship with fiance Scott Axon, a business broker. The couple met through an online dating service and hit it off.
"I think it was the humor. The intelligence. And she's fun," says Axon.
"I loved how smart he is, and how honest and open," says Granger. "And he thought I was funny."
Both have participated in one of Smirnoff's seminars. Smirnoff also spoke to a group of her students, says Granger, who helped arrange the class he's teaching at MSU.
Laughter is only part of his message, she says.
Just as important is communication and putting joy into in a relationship.
"I was blown away," says Granger of Smirnoff's talk. "It really made me think."
Casualty of life
Relationships suffer when two people forget how to please each other; to bring joy to one another, says Smirnoff. The loss of laughter is a symptom.
Susan Carrell, a licensed therapist and relationship coach, says Smirnoff is right on.
"Couples may not even realize they've stopped having fun together," she says.
She calls it benign neglect: "Probably the most dangerous precursor to the death of a relationship."
No one means to let things slide. But couples get busy with kids, with work, with school.
Carrell
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"Our lifestyles are so crowded that our relationship gets crowded out. ... It's on the back burner. Never having alone time, I think is real tough on people."
Prevention is the best remedy, she says: "Raise your consciousness about the loss of fun in a relationship."
One thing couples can do right away: Make a weekly date.
That's important to Granger and Axon -- both of whom have time-consuming careers and teenagers from previous marriages.
"Laughter is not just about going 'ha-ha,'" says Granger. "It's about doing fun things. ... Scott plans joyful things for us."
It's also about thinking of ways to please each other, says Granger. For instance, Axon gives her flowers whenever she finishes a chapter of the textbook she's writing.
Theirs is a new relationship. The challenge, says Yakov, is maintaining those efforts.
The Rosts agree.
"We try to do things for each other and respect each other," says Ryan.
"Moments of laughter are that much sweeter," says Tricia, "if all these other things are in place. The laughter part is sort of icing."
Bring laughter back by renewing such efforts, says Smirnoff.
"Try to remember, what were the things that you enjoyed doing, and what was he or she doing to complement that," he says.
Problems arise, says Smirnoff, when one partner stops thinking about ways to please the other -- even little things, like changing the toilet paper or putting the seat down.
"This person is not thinking, 'If I don't put the toilet seat down, this other person is going to feel awkward. They fall in and they start screaming.' And before, they did.
"And (for the partner) those little things become like, 'Now I have to think for myself: Is it down or not?' And that creates tension. ... Now each only thinks of themselves because they don't trust the other person anymore."
Using magnets to illustrate in his seminars, he describes the right way to relate in "thinking" and "feeling" modes.
When a person initiates a positive action, he says, they think about making the other person feel good. The recipient feels good and thinks, "How can I show appreciation to make the other person feel good, too."
For instance, if your partner plans a special activity or prepares a good meal, you show your gratitude for that meal or activity with words and actions.
That, in turn, makes your partner feel good. And that produces joy in a relationship, in turn generating more laughter.
"The reason I focus on laughter is it's a quick test," says Smirnoff.
"If I can teach people how to create laughter in themselves, I feel I've done my job."
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